Crude Collection: Corporate

What’s our strategy for expansion? It’s simple: by helping our employees to grow, we’ll end up with a bigger bottom line and larger assets. This quarter’s deliverables include:

• Launch Day (weight gain, stuffing) – Assistant is the ultimate app, knowing what you want before you even do. The people down in R&D ensure there’ll be no unintended consequences to that.
• Managing Downwards (pregnancy, sex) – We value diversity, including in our management styles. It’s great to see a boss like her get so hands-on with her employees!
• Designated Breaks (weight gain, stuffing) – People are our greatest asset. That’s why we want to nourish them and see them grow.
• Much-Needed Mentoring (pregnancy) – Nothing is more important to us than a good work/life balance. For some of you, that means encouraging you to take some time off, invest in your training or rethink your life priorities.
• First Day at Crude Co (extreme weight gain, stuffing, sex, pregnancy) – Crude Co is an industry leader. It’s just as well that doesn’t involve too much exercise!

Length: +13,000 words